Archive for June, 2013

The Bad News Just Keeps A Coming!

Posted in Struggles, Uncategorized on June 24, 2013 by nailedflesh

I  almost don’t know where to start but my heart just get heavier with each passing day.Is this my harvest for sowing so many “Bad Seeds”? I guess I’m a bit foolish to that four years of turn around is not enough to out produce thirty-five plus years of addiction & sin.No matter how much I pray for crop failure my harvest just keep on coming,their not as large as they once were but they are still a hard row to hoe.I have no problem with the two cancers in my bladder & kidney,it just really sucks when the Veterans Administation does not tell you about the tumors for over a year.I’m sure these cancers have a lot to do with my foolish lifestyle of heroin addiction as well as my addiction to sin.I can accept these things,they are mine to stand accountable for and rightly so.I can handle judgement & consequences no problem.My biggest concern is leaving my bride of over thirty-three years all alone.We had to break ties with our families to begin anew and start living a proper,acceptable lifestyle.Just pryor to the cancer news last week,i also found out that my daughter allowed her illegal immigrant husband to molest our ten year old grand-daughter.I could not believe that she would allow something like this to take place,she now treats this baby as it is all her fault,wher the hell is this coming from,well I guess I just answered that question.As I roll this situation over & over in my mind & spirit I can not come up with any kind of understanding until just mouments ago.I heard talk many years back from another family member about the molestation of one of my brothers little girls,I just chalked it up as angry lies,but I have now found out just how wrong I was.You must understand I loved & honored this man,he had my utmost respect and it rips my heart out to now know that my father had molested several children in our family including my daughter.Is this the cause of all her hatered,is this the reason she allowed this to happen under her own roof,is this why she hates me today?If only I had known,my father would have never died from a stroke,I would have killed him without blinking an eye,mom would have followed because she protected him for way too many years.It bothers me that my sister & I have been divided because of these two fouled up parents.I can only pray that one day my sister can know this truth so that her family may survive this perverted ordeal.I’ve forgiven my parents & asked God to do the same,but forgiving myself for not being more attentive,more aware of what was going on around me and because of my heroin addiction which kept my judgement clouded.This truely is a pain worse then any cancer could ever produce,for this is a pain that infects my heart,my entire being.Only Father God will be able to heal this cancer of my soul.